Our Story

"One day, long ago, there was a person who made a deal with the gods. He told the gods if they would let him travel through time and live through all the eras to experience all the change in culture and society, he would do amazing things for people. He would help make people feel beautiful, loved, and help them all make their dreams come true. The gods agreed to grant him this wish, but told him to beware: though he would be immortal in a way, he would still feel the heartache and pain of life. One day, after many years of traveling the ages alone, the sadness of being by himself drove him to the edge of insanity. He decided he couldn't do this anymore. He asked the gods to allow him to die so he would never feel the pain anymore. They apologized but told him they couldn't do this. So he made a deal with him. He asked them to take his soul, separate it into different parts, and place them in the bodies of people all over the world. When these people met, they would not only feel complete and whole, they would understand each other perfectly and never have to feel alone. Although they would face the world and its hard times, they would do it together. They would inspire each others existences, and they would accomplish the unimaginable. The gods granted this last wish. They found 3 girls, and gave them the pieces of his soul. We are those three girls."

Its not meant for you all to understand.

Sleepwalkin'

For some reason listening to the song "Sleepwalkin" by Modest Mouse makes me feel...sad. But not the sadness of being alone, the sadness of loosing something. The sadness of recalling a memory I've never actually experienced. It is really bizarre. I am so strange. I realize that when I blog "Bizarre" is one of my over used phrases. Hell, its even in the title. But I definitely am not normal. Then again, how can one define normal?

Ah well.

I swear I can listen to this song over and over again.

I start thinking about the worst things when I am alone and awake at night.

Lately I have come to terms with the fact that I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have no idea who I am.

At all.

One day I had it all figured out. And now, I know nothing. I am constantly battling with myself. Who I am, against who I think I am. Who I am expected to be. Me against the truth, against belief, against everything. I was raised to believe one thing, and now I am unsure of everything.

Its a dangerous place to be, suspicious of everything. There are no moments of calm, everything is just fast paced hysteria. Sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind. Thats what makes me sure this is completely normal. I guess. Everyone comes to a point in their life when they are searching for themselves.

I guess I will have to come to a point where I am going to have to face reality and not care what anybody, not even my family, thinks about me.

Thats so hard though, to turn your back on family. When there are people you hold so dear to you, people you dont want to ever loose or disappoint. For me there is only one person I feel that way about. Everyone else I wouldn't mind letting down. It may be harsh, but its true.

Who am I?

And why am I so disgusted with myself?

If its so wrong, why does it feel so right?

Should I blame Satan? People blame him for everything nowadays.

Somedays I want to get up and go.

Live to the extreme before this world ends. Before its to late.

Or is it already to late?

Why have I never fallen in love?

Why do all the people I care about turn on me? And why is it the people I would die for live to far away?

Why cant I finish everything I begin?

Why do I bother dreaming so big?

Do people not realize I am diseased?

Why does everything have to be bittersweet?

Why do I ask so many questions?

Why do I feel so alone, and then when I'm surrounded feel smothered?

Why?

Just...

Why?

Nightmares.

I don't have Nightmares often. They used to be worse when I was younger. I would be so traumatized by the images of horror that played beneath my closed eyes each night that I would try to stay awake to chase them away. As you can imagine this made for a very miserable childhood. I do often have dreams that play out so vividly and carry out such an interesting plot I swear I could start writing books based off of them. I also have dreams that put me in situations I have never been in, making it impossible for me to know certain details, and yet somehow I do. I have so many questions when it comes to dreams....could it be possible to be re-living a past life in a dream? Or even to channel someone else's brain waves, like flipping through the channels of a radio and deciding upon a station...only with less of a choice. Sometimes I find myself in the body of other people. Living there lives, experiencing their daily routines. Last night I had a dream I was Jared Leto. But not just Jared Leto. I was Jared, in character for certain movies. I was Jared as Jack in Highway, As Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27, and a few other roles I just can't remember. It was bizarre, being in the shoes of someone portraying someone else. I could feel the strain of being two people at once, trying to separate who I am from who I was playing. It was odd.

But then at one point it wasn't like I was acting as Jared...it was as if I had actually become his characters.

There was also a few other disturbing and vivid parts of the dream...this was before it shifted to me becoming Jared.

There was a point where I ran out of a building, and into the middle of a city street. It was night time, but everything around me appeared to be black and white. I looked like I was pulled out of a page in a book about the 40's. There was this old styled ferris wheel and movie theater, and under neath the Marquee was this boy.

I looked at him, and he stared back at me in confusion, and almost as if he was straining to see who I was. I remember turning around and running in the opposite direction and this voice in my mind said, "Don't turn back. Keep running. If he sees you, everything can change. You can shift the entire future if he sees you."

In my mind I said, "I thought I was...invisible."

And I kept running. As I ran the setting around me began to change. The world I was in went in color, and the sun was shining. I found myself running in a field, the boy still chasing me, just older.

And I was older too.

I have no idea why I dream such bizarre dreams.

Maybe I am dreaming visions of stories I need to write, or films I need to make.

Hmmm.

Adventures on Mars

Well, the last week in my life has been incredibly eventful. Along with the death of my website, a few dreams have been coming true. Alright, the website isn't entirely "Dead" but all the hard work put into it is lost....as far as design goes. I suppose it could be worse. Maybe its time for new beginnings anyway.

So, last week my friends and I had quite the adventure with 30 Seconds to Mars.

We met Jared Leto at the Q101 studio on Wednesday, April 14th. That will remain one of the best days of my life. Not because we got to meet Jared Leto, but because we actually were allowed in the Q101 studio as they were airing his studio takeover. Being a DJ on Q101 has been a dream of mine, since I was little. Its the reason I want to go into broadcasting. I can't think of a more significant place to meet one of my idols. Now along with meeting him, and Tomo (again) I got to meet and hang out with some pretty rad girls. Erin, Jaz, and Angela. The next day we picked up Tashia from the train station, and hanging out with her, Bek, and Amanda was incredible. That night, one of the most amazing things happened. Something so amazing, I cant even write down in fear of it evaporating away.

The next day was the concert, so amazing and perfectly chaotic. I didn't get to watch the whole show as I wished because I nearly fainted but thanks to an amazing friend we got to get on stage for one of the songs. We met the band afterward too.

Right now, I wish I could go into details of the whole experience, but I am tired, and that is a saga that would take foooorever. I will write about the whole thing someday....

Exhausting

I am so tired right now. If I could I would sleep until the day of the Mars show. But I can't. I have been on this liquid diet for 3 days. So far it hasn't been so bad. I'm hoping to last from now until April 15th. I told Tashia the first thing I'm going to break this fast with is a baked good made from her sweet fingers. And if she forgets, I'm going to eat her.

I have been thinking alot about the story I am writing...

Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with a couple of friends. I hope no one gets on my nerves because I am in no mood to rip heads off. I mean, really.

I really want to spend my summer in Utah with my cousin, but I'm too broke to afford a plain ticket.

I need a job.

Strange Dream

Last night I had a strange dream that involved Matt Bellamy of Muse, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Aro as played by Michael Sheen in New Moon. It started at a Muse show. My friend Lilly and I were somehow at a very small gig in London somewhere. We ended up winning a contest at the show, and got to hang out with the band backstage. This was all a huge delight for the both of us, me especially being the huge Muse fan that I am. We ended up backstage and talking to Chris, the bassist of Muse, as we waited for Matt and Dom to show up. Very suddenly, Shannon leto came out of nowhere and started yelling at me about how I was cheating on him. This came as a shock, as I was completely unaware of any relationship between him and I. Matt came in, and greeted Lilly warmly, but completely ignored my existence. This made me very confused. Matt and Shannon then started talking about me, as if I wasn't even there. Apparently I was a cheating, lying, irresponsible whore who left the stove on and burned everything I attempted to cook. Dom finally came in, and upon me asking him why Shannon and Matt were acting so strange, Matt snapped "Oh don't pretend you don't know what's going on!"

This startled me, I had no idea he could hear my conversation with Dom from across the room...

Then it was all revealed to me in a vivid flashback what had happened.

I won't go into details, my brain is still recovering, but apparently I had been with both Matt and Shannon in some awkward, 3 way relationship, and I cheated on them with Aro.....at a strip club.....where he worked.

Yes.

Aro, was a stripper.

A poll dancing, bra and thong wearing stripper.

I woke up in such an awful mental state....

And I still haven't fully recovered.

There are many questions I have like, How did the Me/Matt/Shannon thing happen?

Why was Aro a stripper?

But I try my hardest to not ponder such thoughts...

Its better for us all.

Insanity.

I have decided not to eat from now until April 16th.

Why?

Because I am slightly masochistic. I want to feel the pain. I want to cry as my hunger tears me apart from the inside. I want to overcome the pain. I want to feel stronger.

I want to cleanse and purify myself. I want to feel new.

There's something thrilling about overcoming pain.

I also think it would be an interesting journey to document.

I want to loose myself, and then find myself again.

I may be insane, but is it normal to be content in insanity?

Tired.

Well, I am exhausted but I decided to write a quick little blog.

I am very excited, tomorrow will be the birth of my website's new podcast.

Tashia and I will be kicking things off by interviewing one of the actors from my favorite show "Nurse Jackie."

Yes, I am nervous.

I'm scared I'm going to sound awkward and immature and completely unprofessional.

I'm trying to keep positive thoughts though.

I am very tired, I just spent the last hour writing show notes and before that I was pretty much stressing the whole day.

I spoke to my dad for the first time since our fight.

Well, technically he spoke I just listened. Sorta listened anyway.

I have no idea why I continue to talk to him.

Its pointless.

I wouldn't have answered the phone but I know he would have bitched insanely if I didn't.

And maybe I wished things wouldn't be as dumb as they usually are between us.

Whatever.

My knee hurts, I'm thirsty, cold, and sleepy.

I'll blog more after the show tomorrow.

Toodles.

Intruder

I haven't spoken to you in person in over a year. I guess we parted on bad terms...

Or was it just the awkwardness of our inexistent relationship?
The feelings were there, everything else was a joke.

I would like to talk to you again.

And for that I'm a bit of a masochist.

Some days I hate you.

Yesterday was one of those days.

And then I dreamed of you.

How completely intrusive on your part.

Who do you think you are pushing yourself into my thoughts?
You could have at least given me a warning. That way I could have fought sleep all night to chase the dream away.

It wasn't anything completely epic.

You and I were in France somehow, under a burning Eiffel Tower.

Somehow we ended up having to cross this large body of water, and since I couldn't swim you helped me across.

I have no idea what this could mean, and I hope its just a bad reaction to something I ate before bed.

It could have been that banana cake.

Yes...

I'm getting rid of it now.

Worthless.

This morning I woke in the middle of a raging war between my family. By now, you would think I would become use to this. This is practically everyday. But unlike everyday, my mother decided she was going to dub this, "Lets make Seraphina feel like a worthless piece of nothing today!"
Well mom, mission accomplished.
People wonder why I don't talk about how I feel.
They beg me to let them in so they can pretend to try to understand. They want to "help" me. They want to "be there" for me.
And this is the very reason I would rather be left alone.
Whenever I tell people about how I feel, I always get it thrown back in my face.
"Well Seraphina, it's very irritating not being able to tell you anything. Its like I have to walk on egg shells with you, afraid that if I say the wrong thing you'll go kill yourself or something."
Alright, that was a very light way to put it. Its more like this:
"What are you gonna do now go kill yourself? God I can't tell you anything."
And sometimes it even sounds like they want to say, "Look, if your going to kill yourself already just do it. Stop talking about it to get pity. Stop making stupid cuts, and just do it."
And sometimes, I consider it.
Why?
Normal suicidal people want to do it because they hate their life.
And while this is true and a partial factor in these fleeting suicidal thoughts, the demented war zone that is my mind conjures up this: Why not give them a shock and just do it. You talk about it, you've even shown signs of it, why not just do it. Give them a run for their money. Make them shut the fuck up.

Because in life and death I want to shock.

I want to do exactly the opposite of what people would normally expect me to do.

Unhealthy?
Extremely.

Frightening?

Very.

Will I do it?

Most likely not.

Why?

Because there is another side of my brain that says, "You know what? Fuck them. You know whats going on inside you. They dont need to understand. And there are a group of people that love you. It would be selfish to rip yourself away from them."

But wondering if anyone would care if you killed yourself is always a romanticizing and disturbing thought.

It makes you feel special, if you can pick out a group of people who you know with complete certainty would miss you.

And then its horrible if you can't find any.

But the whole idea is disturbing.

I bet your thinking I'm insane as you read this.

Your probably coming up with some psychiatric diagnoses of my absurd mental condition.

And I'm fine with that.

Heart Failure.

Such a dramatic title, not such a dramatic post.
Today my friend and I watched "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."
It was a bizarre and blissful art film.
It was Heath Ledger's last film. It was very eerie to watch knowing he's no longer alive...
I won't get into a dark poetic tirade about death and life. I'll save that for a gloomier day.
Today is one of those bright happy positive days that make the rest of my life seem to be a little less difficult.
Why? I can't be sure exactly...
Maybe its the way the sun woke me up today and not the hectic screams of my family.
Maybe its the way nature's music sound tracked my morning. The birds singing and the soft whistle of the wind blowing through the trees. The rustling of the leaves and quiet noise of the river flowing by...
Wait, river?
Where the fuck do I think I live? Bambi's forest?
Today hasn't been as bad as most, true.
It wasn't as fabulous as the unrealistic picture of perfection I painted above.
And the day is still young, and disappointment is still a possibility.
There is still tons of time to have my day completely ruined.
I won't get my hopes up to high.
I need to be low enough to see the ground.
Can't get lost in this hopelessly wandering cloud.

Thoughts.

I'd like to chop off all my hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, move to a foreign land and start new. In a place where no one knows my name or the reputation tied to it. I love to be some place where I didn't speak a word of the language or know any of the customs. I'd be a stranger in a strange land as that good old song says. It would be a frightening and beautiful experience. I'd wander for a long time, confused and forced to pay attention to small details to get me by. For instance, I would watch conversations go on around me and pay close attention to the body language, as that would be my only communicative tool. I would start new, and fresh.
It would be a challenge. It would be a thrill. It would be enlightening. I would have the chance to learn things, meet people, and see extraordinary places. Thats what I want out of life. I want to experience everything. I don't want to take advantage of one single moment. It can be stressful. I recognize that life is too short to spend wasting on something stupid. Like blogging. Unfortunately, I dream to much. I have all these hopes and aspirations I know will never come true. They seem so impossible. Though I often say nothing is impossible, and I firmly believe it, moments of doubt cloud everything. Will I ever get what I want out of life? Does anyone really leave this life satisfied? Or is satisfaction a point that cannot be reached? Therefore when you feel satisfied, you may need to re-evaluate everything. Maybe satisfaction is just a fantasy. It gives you a false sense of completion. Maybe it gives you hope. It instills in you a faith that your life isn't in vain and that someday you will feel whole, complete, satisfied. But in fact, you will never completely gain satisfaction. Perhaps satisfaction is meant to keep you going. Because if we all knew that satisfaction was unachievable, would we even bother living life? Or would we just give up and find it pointless. I think we all live to be satisfied. It makes life worthwhile.

Dying.

Not really.
But it feels like it.
My joints are killing me and I think it may be arthritis. Which would completely suck but what else can I expect from my life? It's just chuck full of awesome. I really think its pathetic. Starting a Blogger. I mean, I'm on practically every social networking site out there. Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Tumblr...And none of it makes me feel "social."
Just more lonely than before.
The more social networking site's your on, the less of a life you appear to have.
Then why do they call it "social networking?"
Well yeah, technically you are "networking" with people "socially."
But only on the web.
Because in the real world your life sucks.
Your friendless, jobless, and lonely.
They should call all those site's "shitworking sites."
Its all just a load of shit anyway.