Sleepwalkin'

For some reason listening to the song "Sleepwalkin" by Modest Mouse makes me feel...sad. But not the sadness of being alone, the sadness of loosing something. The sadness of recalling a memory I've never actually experienced. It is really bizarre. I am so strange. I realize that when I blog "Bizarre" is one of my over used phrases. Hell, its even in the title. But I definitely am not normal. Then again, how can one define normal?

Ah well.

I swear I can listen to this song over and over again.

I start thinking about the worst things when I am alone and awake at night.

Lately I have come to terms with the fact that I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have no idea who I am.

At all.

One day I had it all figured out. And now, I know nothing. I am constantly battling with myself. Who I am, against who I think I am. Who I am expected to be. Me against the truth, against belief, against everything. I was raised to believe one thing, and now I am unsure of everything.

Its a dangerous place to be, suspicious of everything. There are no moments of calm, everything is just fast paced hysteria. Sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind. Thats what makes me sure this is completely normal. I guess. Everyone comes to a point in their life when they are searching for themselves.

I guess I will have to come to a point where I am going to have to face reality and not care what anybody, not even my family, thinks about me.

Thats so hard though, to turn your back on family. When there are people you hold so dear to you, people you dont want to ever loose or disappoint. For me there is only one person I feel that way about. Everyone else I wouldn't mind letting down. It may be harsh, but its true.

Who am I?

And why am I so disgusted with myself?

If its so wrong, why does it feel so right?

Should I blame Satan? People blame him for everything nowadays.

Somedays I want to get up and go.

Live to the extreme before this world ends. Before its to late.

Or is it already to late?

Why have I never fallen in love?

Why do all the people I care about turn on me? And why is it the people I would die for live to far away?

Why cant I finish everything I begin?

Why do I bother dreaming so big?

Do people not realize I am diseased?

Why does everything have to be bittersweet?

Why do I ask so many questions?

Why do I feel so alone, and then when I'm surrounded feel smothered?

Why?

Just...

Why?