Exhausting

I am so tired right now. If I could I would sleep until the day of the Mars show. But I can't. I have been on this liquid diet for 3 days. So far it hasn't been so bad. I'm hoping to last from now until April 15th. I told Tashia the first thing I'm going to break this fast with is a baked good made from her sweet fingers. And if she forgets, I'm going to eat her.

I have been thinking alot about the story I am writing...

Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with a couple of friends. I hope no one gets on my nerves because I am in no mood to rip heads off. I mean, really.

I really want to spend my summer in Utah with my cousin, but I'm too broke to afford a plain ticket.

I need a job.

Strange Dream

Last night I had a strange dream that involved Matt Bellamy of Muse, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Aro as played by Michael Sheen in New Moon. It started at a Muse show. My friend Lilly and I were somehow at a very small gig in London somewhere. We ended up winning a contest at the show, and got to hang out with the band backstage. This was all a huge delight for the both of us, me especially being the huge Muse fan that I am. We ended up backstage and talking to Chris, the bassist of Muse, as we waited for Matt and Dom to show up. Very suddenly, Shannon leto came out of nowhere and started yelling at me about how I was cheating on him. This came as a shock, as I was completely unaware of any relationship between him and I. Matt came in, and greeted Lilly warmly, but completely ignored my existence. This made me very confused. Matt and Shannon then started talking about me, as if I wasn't even there. Apparently I was a cheating, lying, irresponsible whore who left the stove on and burned everything I attempted to cook. Dom finally came in, and upon me asking him why Shannon and Matt were acting so strange, Matt snapped "Oh don't pretend you don't know what's going on!"

This startled me, I had no idea he could hear my conversation with Dom from across the room...

Then it was all revealed to me in a vivid flashback what had happened.

I won't go into details, my brain is still recovering, but apparently I had been with both Matt and Shannon in some awkward, 3 way relationship, and I cheated on them with Aro.....at a strip club.....where he worked.

Yes.

Aro, was a stripper.

A poll dancing, bra and thong wearing stripper.

I woke up in such an awful mental state....

And I still haven't fully recovered.

There are many questions I have like, How did the Me/Matt/Shannon thing happen?

Why was Aro a stripper?

But I try my hardest to not ponder such thoughts...

Its better for us all.

Insanity.

I have decided not to eat from now until April 16th.

Why?

Because I am slightly masochistic. I want to feel the pain. I want to cry as my hunger tears me apart from the inside. I want to overcome the pain. I want to feel stronger.

I want to cleanse and purify myself. I want to feel new.

There's something thrilling about overcoming pain.

I also think it would be an interesting journey to document.

I want to loose myself, and then find myself again.

I may be insane, but is it normal to be content in insanity?

Tired.

Well, I am exhausted but I decided to write a quick little blog.

I am very excited, tomorrow will be the birth of my website's new podcast.

Tashia and I will be kicking things off by interviewing one of the actors from my favorite show "Nurse Jackie."

Yes, I am nervous.

I'm scared I'm going to sound awkward and immature and completely unprofessional.

I'm trying to keep positive thoughts though.

I am very tired, I just spent the last hour writing show notes and before that I was pretty much stressing the whole day.

I spoke to my dad for the first time since our fight.

Well, technically he spoke I just listened. Sorta listened anyway.

I have no idea why I continue to talk to him.

Its pointless.

I wouldn't have answered the phone but I know he would have bitched insanely if I didn't.

And maybe I wished things wouldn't be as dumb as they usually are between us.

Whatever.

My knee hurts, I'm thirsty, cold, and sleepy.

I'll blog more after the show tomorrow.

Toodles.

Intruder

I haven't spoken to you in person in over a year. I guess we parted on bad terms...

Or was it just the awkwardness of our inexistent relationship?
The feelings were there, everything else was a joke.

I would like to talk to you again.

And for that I'm a bit of a masochist.

Some days I hate you.

Yesterday was one of those days.

And then I dreamed of you.

How completely intrusive on your part.

Who do you think you are pushing yourself into my thoughts?
You could have at least given me a warning. That way I could have fought sleep all night to chase the dream away.

It wasn't anything completely epic.

You and I were in France somehow, under a burning Eiffel Tower.

Somehow we ended up having to cross this large body of water, and since I couldn't swim you helped me across.

I have no idea what this could mean, and I hope its just a bad reaction to something I ate before bed.

It could have been that banana cake.

Yes...

I'm getting rid of it now.

Worthless.

This morning I woke in the middle of a raging war between my family. By now, you would think I would become use to this. This is practically everyday. But unlike everyday, my mother decided she was going to dub this, "Lets make Seraphina feel like a worthless piece of nothing today!"
Well mom, mission accomplished.
People wonder why I don't talk about how I feel.
They beg me to let them in so they can pretend to try to understand. They want to "help" me. They want to "be there" for me.
And this is the very reason I would rather be left alone.
Whenever I tell people about how I feel, I always get it thrown back in my face.
"Well Seraphina, it's very irritating not being able to tell you anything. Its like I have to walk on egg shells with you, afraid that if I say the wrong thing you'll go kill yourself or something."
Alright, that was a very light way to put it. Its more like this:
"What are you gonna do now go kill yourself? God I can't tell you anything."
And sometimes it even sounds like they want to say, "Look, if your going to kill yourself already just do it. Stop talking about it to get pity. Stop making stupid cuts, and just do it."
And sometimes, I consider it.
Why?
Normal suicidal people want to do it because they hate their life.
And while this is true and a partial factor in these fleeting suicidal thoughts, the demented war zone that is my mind conjures up this: Why not give them a shock and just do it. You talk about it, you've even shown signs of it, why not just do it. Give them a run for their money. Make them shut the fuck up.

Because in life and death I want to shock.

I want to do exactly the opposite of what people would normally expect me to do.

Unhealthy?
Extremely.

Frightening?

Very.

Will I do it?

Most likely not.

Why?

Because there is another side of my brain that says, "You know what? Fuck them. You know whats going on inside you. They dont need to understand. And there are a group of people that love you. It would be selfish to rip yourself away from them."

But wondering if anyone would care if you killed yourself is always a romanticizing and disturbing thought.

It makes you feel special, if you can pick out a group of people who you know with complete certainty would miss you.

And then its horrible if you can't find any.

But the whole idea is disturbing.

I bet your thinking I'm insane as you read this.

Your probably coming up with some psychiatric diagnoses of my absurd mental condition.

And I'm fine with that.

Heart Failure.

Such a dramatic title, not such a dramatic post.
Today my friend and I watched "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."
It was a bizarre and blissful art film.
It was Heath Ledger's last film. It was very eerie to watch knowing he's no longer alive...
I won't get into a dark poetic tirade about death and life. I'll save that for a gloomier day.
Today is one of those bright happy positive days that make the rest of my life seem to be a little less difficult.
Why? I can't be sure exactly...
Maybe its the way the sun woke me up today and not the hectic screams of my family.
Maybe its the way nature's music sound tracked my morning. The birds singing and the soft whistle of the wind blowing through the trees. The rustling of the leaves and quiet noise of the river flowing by...
Wait, river?
Where the fuck do I think I live? Bambi's forest?
Today hasn't been as bad as most, true.
It wasn't as fabulous as the unrealistic picture of perfection I painted above.
And the day is still young, and disappointment is still a possibility.
There is still tons of time to have my day completely ruined.
I won't get my hopes up to high.
I need to be low enough to see the ground.
Can't get lost in this hopelessly wandering cloud.

Thoughts.

I'd like to chop off all my hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, move to a foreign land and start new. In a place where no one knows my name or the reputation tied to it. I love to be some place where I didn't speak a word of the language or know any of the customs. I'd be a stranger in a strange land as that good old song says. It would be a frightening and beautiful experience. I'd wander for a long time, confused and forced to pay attention to small details to get me by. For instance, I would watch conversations go on around me and pay close attention to the body language, as that would be my only communicative tool. I would start new, and fresh.
It would be a challenge. It would be a thrill. It would be enlightening. I would have the chance to learn things, meet people, and see extraordinary places. Thats what I want out of life. I want to experience everything. I don't want to take advantage of one single moment. It can be stressful. I recognize that life is too short to spend wasting on something stupid. Like blogging. Unfortunately, I dream to much. I have all these hopes and aspirations I know will never come true. They seem so impossible. Though I often say nothing is impossible, and I firmly believe it, moments of doubt cloud everything. Will I ever get what I want out of life? Does anyone really leave this life satisfied? Or is satisfaction a point that cannot be reached? Therefore when you feel satisfied, you may need to re-evaluate everything. Maybe satisfaction is just a fantasy. It gives you a false sense of completion. Maybe it gives you hope. It instills in you a faith that your life isn't in vain and that someday you will feel whole, complete, satisfied. But in fact, you will never completely gain satisfaction. Perhaps satisfaction is meant to keep you going. Because if we all knew that satisfaction was unachievable, would we even bother living life? Or would we just give up and find it pointless. I think we all live to be satisfied. It makes life worthwhile.

Dying.

Not really.
But it feels like it.
My joints are killing me and I think it may be arthritis. Which would completely suck but what else can I expect from my life? It's just chuck full of awesome. I really think its pathetic. Starting a Blogger. I mean, I'm on practically every social networking site out there. Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Tumblr...And none of it makes me feel "social."
Just more lonely than before.
The more social networking site's your on, the less of a life you appear to have.
Then why do they call it "social networking?"
Well yeah, technically you are "networking" with people "socially."
But only on the web.
Because in the real world your life sucks.
Your friendless, jobless, and lonely.
They should call all those site's "shitworking sites."
Its all just a load of shit anyway.