Our Story

"One day, long ago, there was a person who made a deal with the gods. He told the gods if they would let him travel through time and live through all the eras to experience all the change in culture and society, he would do amazing things for people. He would help make people feel beautiful, loved, and help them all make their dreams come true. The gods agreed to grant him this wish, but told him to beware: though he would be immortal in a way, he would still feel the heartache and pain of life. One day, after many years of traveling the ages alone, the sadness of being by himself drove him to the edge of insanity. He decided he couldn't do this anymore. He asked the gods to allow him to die so he would never feel the pain anymore. They apologized but told him they couldn't do this. So he made a deal with him. He asked them to take his soul, separate it into different parts, and place them in the bodies of people all over the world. When these people met, they would not only feel complete and whole, they would understand each other perfectly and never have to feel alone. Although they would face the world and its hard times, they would do it together. They would inspire each others existences, and they would accomplish the unimaginable. The gods granted this last wish. They found 3 girls, and gave them the pieces of his soul. We are those three girls."

Its not meant for you all to understand.

Sleepwalkin'

For some reason listening to the song "Sleepwalkin" by Modest Mouse makes me feel...sad. But not the sadness of being alone, the sadness of loosing something. The sadness of recalling a memory I've never actually experienced. It is really bizarre. I am so strange. I realize that when I blog "Bizarre" is one of my over used phrases. Hell, its even in the title. But I definitely am not normal. Then again, how can one define normal?

Ah well.

I swear I can listen to this song over and over again.

I start thinking about the worst things when I am alone and awake at night.

Lately I have come to terms with the fact that I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have no idea who I am.

At all.

One day I had it all figured out. And now, I know nothing. I am constantly battling with myself. Who I am, against who I think I am. Who I am expected to be. Me against the truth, against belief, against everything. I was raised to believe one thing, and now I am unsure of everything.

Its a dangerous place to be, suspicious of everything. There are no moments of calm, everything is just fast paced hysteria. Sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind. Thats what makes me sure this is completely normal. I guess. Everyone comes to a point in their life when they are searching for themselves.

I guess I will have to come to a point where I am going to have to face reality and not care what anybody, not even my family, thinks about me.

Thats so hard though, to turn your back on family. When there are people you hold so dear to you, people you dont want to ever loose or disappoint. For me there is only one person I feel that way about. Everyone else I wouldn't mind letting down. It may be harsh, but its true.

Who am I?

And why am I so disgusted with myself?

If its so wrong, why does it feel so right?

Should I blame Satan? People blame him for everything nowadays.

Somedays I want to get up and go.

Live to the extreme before this world ends. Before its to late.

Or is it already to late?

Why have I never fallen in love?

Why do all the people I care about turn on me? And why is it the people I would die for live to far away?

Why cant I finish everything I begin?

Why do I bother dreaming so big?

Do people not realize I am diseased?

Why does everything have to be bittersweet?

Why do I ask so many questions?

Why do I feel so alone, and then when I'm surrounded feel smothered?

Why?

Just...

Why?

Nightmares.

I don't have Nightmares often. They used to be worse when I was younger. I would be so traumatized by the images of horror that played beneath my closed eyes each night that I would try to stay awake to chase them away. As you can imagine this made for a very miserable childhood. I do often have dreams that play out so vividly and carry out such an interesting plot I swear I could start writing books based off of them. I also have dreams that put me in situations I have never been in, making it impossible for me to know certain details, and yet somehow I do. I have so many questions when it comes to dreams....could it be possible to be re-living a past life in a dream? Or even to channel someone else's brain waves, like flipping through the channels of a radio and deciding upon a station...only with less of a choice. Sometimes I find myself in the body of other people. Living there lives, experiencing their daily routines. Last night I had a dream I was Jared Leto. But not just Jared Leto. I was Jared, in character for certain movies. I was Jared as Jack in Highway, As Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27, and a few other roles I just can't remember. It was bizarre, being in the shoes of someone portraying someone else. I could feel the strain of being two people at once, trying to separate who I am from who I was playing. It was odd.

But then at one point it wasn't like I was acting as Jared...it was as if I had actually become his characters.

There was also a few other disturbing and vivid parts of the dream...this was before it shifted to me becoming Jared.

There was a point where I ran out of a building, and into the middle of a city street. It was night time, but everything around me appeared to be black and white. I looked like I was pulled out of a page in a book about the 40's. There was this old styled ferris wheel and movie theater, and under neath the Marquee was this boy.

I looked at him, and he stared back at me in confusion, and almost as if he was straining to see who I was. I remember turning around and running in the opposite direction and this voice in my mind said, "Don't turn back. Keep running. If he sees you, everything can change. You can shift the entire future if he sees you."

In my mind I said, "I thought I was...invisible."

And I kept running. As I ran the setting around me began to change. The world I was in went in color, and the sun was shining. I found myself running in a field, the boy still chasing me, just older.

And I was older too.

I have no idea why I dream such bizarre dreams.

Maybe I am dreaming visions of stories I need to write, or films I need to make.

Hmmm.

Adventures on Mars

Well, the last week in my life has been incredibly eventful. Along with the death of my website, a few dreams have been coming true. Alright, the website isn't entirely "Dead" but all the hard work put into it is lost....as far as design goes. I suppose it could be worse. Maybe its time for new beginnings anyway.

So, last week my friends and I had quite the adventure with 30 Seconds to Mars.

We met Jared Leto at the Q101 studio on Wednesday, April 14th. That will remain one of the best days of my life. Not because we got to meet Jared Leto, but because we actually were allowed in the Q101 studio as they were airing his studio takeover. Being a DJ on Q101 has been a dream of mine, since I was little. Its the reason I want to go into broadcasting. I can't think of a more significant place to meet one of my idols. Now along with meeting him, and Tomo (again) I got to meet and hang out with some pretty rad girls. Erin, Jaz, and Angela. The next day we picked up Tashia from the train station, and hanging out with her, Bek, and Amanda was incredible. That night, one of the most amazing things happened. Something so amazing, I cant even write down in fear of it evaporating away.

The next day was the concert, so amazing and perfectly chaotic. I didn't get to watch the whole show as I wished because I nearly fainted but thanks to an amazing friend we got to get on stage for one of the songs. We met the band afterward too.

Right now, I wish I could go into details of the whole experience, but I am tired, and that is a saga that would take foooorever. I will write about the whole thing someday....

Exhausting

I am so tired right now. If I could I would sleep until the day of the Mars show. But I can't. I have been on this liquid diet for 3 days. So far it hasn't been so bad. I'm hoping to last from now until April 15th. I told Tashia the first thing I'm going to break this fast with is a baked good made from her sweet fingers. And if she forgets, I'm going to eat her.

I have been thinking alot about the story I am writing...

Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with a couple of friends. I hope no one gets on my nerves because I am in no mood to rip heads off. I mean, really.

I really want to spend my summer in Utah with my cousin, but I'm too broke to afford a plain ticket.

I need a job.

Strange Dream

Last night I had a strange dream that involved Matt Bellamy of Muse, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Aro as played by Michael Sheen in New Moon. It started at a Muse show. My friend Lilly and I were somehow at a very small gig in London somewhere. We ended up winning a contest at the show, and got to hang out with the band backstage. This was all a huge delight for the both of us, me especially being the huge Muse fan that I am. We ended up backstage and talking to Chris, the bassist of Muse, as we waited for Matt and Dom to show up. Very suddenly, Shannon leto came out of nowhere and started yelling at me about how I was cheating on him. This came as a shock, as I was completely unaware of any relationship between him and I. Matt came in, and greeted Lilly warmly, but completely ignored my existence. This made me very confused. Matt and Shannon then started talking about me, as if I wasn't even there. Apparently I was a cheating, lying, irresponsible whore who left the stove on and burned everything I attempted to cook. Dom finally came in, and upon me asking him why Shannon and Matt were acting so strange, Matt snapped "Oh don't pretend you don't know what's going on!"

This startled me, I had no idea he could hear my conversation with Dom from across the room...

Then it was all revealed to me in a vivid flashback what had happened.

I won't go into details, my brain is still recovering, but apparently I had been with both Matt and Shannon in some awkward, 3 way relationship, and I cheated on them with Aro.....at a strip club.....where he worked.

Yes.

Aro, was a stripper.

A poll dancing, bra and thong wearing stripper.

I woke up in such an awful mental state....

And I still haven't fully recovered.

There are many questions I have like, How did the Me/Matt/Shannon thing happen?

Why was Aro a stripper?

But I try my hardest to not ponder such thoughts...

Its better for us all.

Insanity.

I have decided not to eat from now until April 16th.

Why?

Because I am slightly masochistic. I want to feel the pain. I want to cry as my hunger tears me apart from the inside. I want to overcome the pain. I want to feel stronger.

I want to cleanse and purify myself. I want to feel new.

There's something thrilling about overcoming pain.

I also think it would be an interesting journey to document.

I want to loose myself, and then find myself again.

I may be insane, but is it normal to be content in insanity?